You should be sad…
Today I write in pain a deep pain of which I hope no one will ever be so unfortunate to go through but if I’m to be honest with no one else but myself this might be one of those wake up moments that we have all seen in movies, funny they say life imitates art but I genuinely believe that art is inspired by life so of course its gonna bear some washed up generic representation, to give us a dwindling cross section of hope during our hours of despair. Its been a long time since I’ve posted and to be honest I really don’t thing I want to continue….
I don’t want to write, I don’t want to eat, sleep, sad to say live but I was one of the chosen few that rose with the abilities to continue and so I shall. I thought long and hard about this, well mainly about the embarrassment and shame I know one day my daughter will find out and I will have to look her in the eye and admit all these things did happen so why not catch my practice with owning the shit now? at leats thats the thought behind this…
Being married is no walk in the park and I accepted that prior to saying I do which is why was against marrying in the name of love for a very long time…I have a tainted view on the L-word being a how im a what one would call hopeless romantic by heart but lifes experiences has taught me that there world will chew you up and tear you to smithereens under the premise of love no wonder Shakespeare wrote all is fair in love and war I mean he said it how in the world can you state that actions when done in love is just as just as actions completed during war but look at it they both leave you in heartache and pain not to mention the betrayal the betrayal of your partner and though that hurts the betrayal of self is the one that makes the thought of just walking in front of a bus going 40mph seem so enticing….because you saw the signs, you knew it was gonna end this way, all the calling cards were there, but no, you felt like you could be the one to tame the mustang, the one to slay the dragon and rescue the prince from a life of chaos the one to show hi that he can change and you can be the reason….
The format of todays blog is gonna be different but still the same…the chords I’m pulling on today is from none other than Halsey. Born Ashley Nicolette Frangipane on September 29, 1994, the singer song writer and activist has been on top ever since she touched the stage. This song….this one right here is legit the notes and chords that reflect this stage of my life that sums up my marriage…… a direct dedication to my dearly beloved husband.
Have you ever been so hurt and just distraught to the point where you have no anger left within you???? that's precisely where I wanna start this one. My husband lied about just about every aspect of his life, from his age to his family background….slowly as the truth came running out like a waterfall at no point did he ever stop to say I’m sorry this is the truth instead I had to play detective like I was legit starring my own little episode of Criminal Minds on the hunt for a Serial Liar….hitting only a few the major points the others will present themselves slowly..….July of 2020 I found out I was pregnant; prior to this we both agreed babies where not on our list as we both had a child and we were basically struggling financially along with the fact that he was caught not once nor twice being unfaithful, when I reminded him that this was not a part of our plan and I didnt want any more kids my loving husband threw me in the wall of our aprtment and proceeded to sit in my back…..minutes later he said he loved me…this was slowly becoming the norm…..he would get caught in a lie I would get upset he would lash out at me then say he’s sorry and all should be forgiven…..Or there was the threat of ending his life and I would feel so responsible for him to the point where I would put my life on the line to ensure he didn’t take his own, only for him to lash out yet again and I would be the one left hurting….why did I stay so long I ask myself ever so often….this is why….I loved my husband more than I loved myself….it took a long time for me to be able to admit that, to finally say it out loud. See unlike Halsey I didn’t make out without breaking down…however what I can say is that I made it out with far more knowledge about myself than I ever had and for that I will say thank you…you should be sad….because I’m not the wife you said I do to nor will I ever be again.
I think I just might get back into the groove of this blog thing….
Please stay tuned for whats to come as I try to put reason to the chaos life throws my way as music expresses that which cannot be put in words and that which cannot remain silent- Victor Hugo
